Ten Worst Mistakes in Sacrament Program History:

  1. In 1887, Mr. Arthur Frampton of Liverpool, England accidentally triplicated the “but” in the sentence “Donations are encouraged but but but not required.” This beats the triplication of “that” which he wrote the year before because only one of the “that”s was extraneous. The prior sentence was “The Bishop thought that that that was too costly at this time.”

  2. A misprinting of the address for a wedding (314 Square Circle instead of 314 Circle Square) meant that Sis. Elva Leavenworth of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, Utah was late to the wedding and therefore didn’t catch the bouquet, indicating that she would be the next married. Because of this she refused the proposal of Bro. Jens Jensen, son of Jens Jensen of Ammon, Utah. So far 3141 souls have not been born because of this mistake.

  3. In the days after John Taylor’s ascension to the presidency, he said in General Conference that he wanted more Sacrament Programs for meetings. John Taylor was a printer and may have been trying to drum up business for his struggling printing business. Unfortunately, when his talk was transcribed and distributed to the far-flung reaches of Mormondom, it was mistyped as Sacrament Pogroms. Thirteen non-Mormons were killed before a retraction could be issued.

  4. The failure of Alexander Jarkovski, clerk of the Manti 42nd ward, to update the date and speakers of the Feb. 14, 1993 program to Feb. 21, 1993 lead to the tragic disappearance of Serena Morgan. She had seen Groundhog Day in the theater and it had affected her deeply. She fixated on how hard it would be to be in a time loop. When she awoke on the 21st and everything seemed to be the same as the previous week, including the Sacrament Program, she ran screaming from the church and was never seen again.

  5. On June 6, 1966, due to a paper shortage in Wales, a sacrament program was printed on newsprint, a cheap paper meant, obviously, to be thrown away after use. This paper is not strong enough to contain the devil and his minions as they try to break through into the material world in a place where the Sacrament Program has already thinned the veil. Three demons escaped before the Sacrament Program caught on fire and the veil went back to normal. They roamed the countryside for months before being exorcised. Their greatest mischief was known as the Aberfan disaster which killed 116 children and 28 adults.

  6. In 1947, a misplaced period and lack of spacing between announcements caused the following “…after which we will partake of the Sacrament[.] Programs. To teach the youth how to conduct music…” to be misread by little Ben Bangerter as meaning that he should eat the Sacrament Program. Unfortunately, this made him sick and he threw up all over his mother’s new dress. Moreover, the chemicals in the paper caused gall bladder cancer 70 years later.

  7. On June 29, 1997, The Átlós 9-th and a half ward ran out of Sacrament Programs and so little Liliana Alfarero didn’t receive one. This made her a little bit sad because she had to make a paper airplane with a Sacrament Program from the 9-th ward that had been left on the bench.

  8. Several times in 1938 the San Simeon 2nd ward accidently ordered too many Sacrament Programs printed. The excess programs were put in the local landfill. Unfortunately, the high nutritional value of the Sacrament Programs attracted termites from as far away as San Luis Obispo. The National Guard had to be called in to battle termites after they ran out of Sacrament Programs to eat and began ravaging the countryside terrorizing the local residents.

  9. On Sept. 22, 1991, Torvald Linusson accidentally printed the computer source code of the Sacrament Program instead of the resulting Sacrament Program. There are fears that this will allow other churches to steal Sacrament Program secrets allowing them to catch up in the Sacrament Program arms race. So far there have been few signs, if any, that the leaked secrets have been used by rival churches.

  10. Abraham nearly sacrificed Isaac because the angel was running late. The angel (unnamed in the bible because he was later demoted, at Isaac’s request, to vice-angel (not to be confused with Angel of Vice)) had turned off his celestial wifi and was reading the sacrament program in offline mode. When he turned it back on and his google docs refreshed, he noticed the time of the sacrifice had been updated and so he rushed down and stopped the sacrifice just in time.