Questions from our readers:

Q: What is the proper way to dispose of a loved Sacrament Program?

A: For Sacrament Programs with military experience (most have fought in the army of the Lord at some point) a 21 match salute is appropriate before cremation. The ashes should be crushed finely and mixed with oatmeal and eaten for breakfast on a Fast Sunday. This has the double purpose of providing Fast-friendly sustenance and making sure that your beloved Sacrament Program will always be a part of you, physically as well as spiritually.

Q: Why does the sacrament program smell like burning this week?

A: We started sourcing the paper from Beelzebub Lumber, a company run by reformed demons. A residual smell of sulfur is one of the downsides, but we saved 0.0034¢ per sheet so the smell is a small price to pay. Due be worried if your children keep sniffing it however, since it can indicate a predilection for overly warm afterlife destinations.

Q: More of a comment than a question… I just want to say that the Sacrament Programs in this ward are complete garbage compared to my last ward. They were printed on acid free paper with gilded lettering and were laminated for posterity. The Sacrament Programs here barely last two weeks when worn as shoes. Please get it together!

A: We are unable to comment on pending litigation.