Beaucoup Boku

Sacrament Program 2026-03-29

Sun, 29 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Today’s scripture is John 12:12–13:

On the next day much people that were come to the feast, when they heard that Jesus was coming to Jerusalem,
Took branches of palm trees, and went forth to meet him, and cried, Hosanna: Blessed is the King of Israel that cometh in the name of the Lord.

Now, many sects misunderstand verse 13, thinking that it is intended to protect Jesus from getting his feet dirty and thus show him reverence. However, what they forget is that Sacrament Programs in that era were written on palm leaves and therefore were often called palm leaves (or variants such as branches of palm trees). So, by throwing their Sacrament Programs at his feet they were indicating their willingness to listen to him over the planned speakers for that week. Note that we do not recommend doing this, as it is very disrespectful to the Sacrament Programs (though if Christ comes to speak it is acceptable). The more respectful thing is to fan the speakers with your “palm leaf” to show your appreciation.

Sacrament Program 2026-03-22

Sun, 22 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0000

With spring in the air, the following have been popping up on the young single adult church bulletin board:

Looking for love? My advice for everyone this spring is to not take a shower for several days, then go down to Utah Lake. Walk around in the shallows, splashing a bit just for fun. It’s a great way to meet smiling people of all different types.

@larry_the_crocodile97

Please be wary of such scams! It’s unlikely he is looking for love. He’s imagining how well you’d fit within his skin. Sacrament programs, when perused correctly, do serve as crocodile repellent, but are only CPF 20. You really should be using something stronger in the crocodile-infested waters of Utah Lake.

Sacrament Program 2026-03-15

Sun, 15 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0000

The oldest board game for which we have evidence is from about 5000 years ago, but the oldest board game for which we have an original, in-tact rule book is from 2nd century Antioch. It was known as Sacramentia and was a game in which players competed to get attendees to their activities.

The game was very long, consisting of 52 “weeks”. During each week speakers are drawn from a Speaker Deck. Some speakers will take the entire time, but most will allow another speaker, and sometimes a Youth Speaker or intermediate hymn as well. Others are special musical numbers or events like an Easter program. Each of them has different characteristics like charisma, clarity, doctrinal depth, musicality, and priority (e.g. an Easter Program will discard any previously chosen speakers because it takes the entire time). These different attributes will attract different numbers and types of people to the Sacrament Service.

After speakers are chosen, players then bid on real estate in the Sacrament Program in which to place their announcements for the activities in their hand. There is not enough room in the Program for all players to announce all their activities, and the higher they are placed in the Program the more advantageous.

After bidding, a Fate card is played which has random effects like the speaker gets sick, an apostle visits, a manifestation of the spirit occurs, or church is cancelled due to an outbreak of infectious disease (surprisingly common in that era). Then the players calculate the number of attendees at their respective activities which in turn scores that player “St. Peter’s Gate” points, allowing more people into heaven. Of course, each event is scored in a different way, like a Singles Mixer scores 10 points for every two people that attend, while a youth activity scores 5 points if at least 5 youth show up, but then gives bonuses to future youth activities.

At the end of the 52 weeks the player with the most “St. Peter’s Gate” points wins and becomes a Bishop, allowing them to play the more complicated game of Stakes of Zion. Unfortunately, we haven’t found any rules or pieces from the Stakes of Zion game leading to wild speculation as to how it was played, since the board is rather cryptic.

Sacramentia was re-issued with all new art in the 1920’s by Kolob Games, and again in the late 1970’s with the original art (though limiting the number of weeks to 12) by Brother of Jared Games. Unfortunately, both are now out of print and very hard to find.

Sacrament Program 2026-03-08

Sun, 08 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Public Service Announcement:

Please take special care during the following week. The time change this year has caused a much higher than normal build up of energy in the earth. Numerologically 20260308 factors into 2⋅2⋅3⋅19⋅88861 which, with its triple repeated digit in the largest factor, is rather inauspicious. Because of this dire prediction, numerologists and earthquake-aticians have been trying to slowly bleed off energy before the time change this morning put extra strain on the system, which is why we’ve experienced so many earthquakes in recent weeks. However, the energy buildup was even higher than predicted, so don’t be surprised if we experience more earthquakes in the next week or so, as earthquake-aticians ply their trade: trying to release the energy in small, unharmful quakes. If they mess up, however, we could be in for a real whopper of a quake (known amongst experts as a WoaQ). This fall, 20261101 factors into 7⋅2894443 which also has a triple repeated digit, so we are definitely in for a rough ride this year. Until further notice, sleep with a Sacrament Program under your pillow. This will prevent you from dying in the event of your roof falling on top of you¹.

This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. ↩︎

Sacrament Program 2026-03-01

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 00:00:00 +0000

The state of Vermont holds a special place in church history, not just because Joseph Smith Jr. was born in Sharon, Vermont, but because the first Sacrament Program factory was built in Burlington, Vermont in early 1870. Alfred Rosewater Peabody Sherman III built the factory there expecting to make a large profit buying cheap paper from the East coast, printing Sacrament Programs, and shipping them to Utah via the recently finished Transcontinental Railroad. Unfortunately for ARPS (as his friends called him), he had trouble securing space on the railroad given the high demand for transcontinental shipping.

In June of 1871 he purchased insurance on the factory, and in early July it was destroyed in a mysterious explosion. ARPS was a professional Sacrament Program Wrangler, so it is implausible that he didn’t understand the dangers of shredding Sacrament Programs to make confetti, despite testifying under oath that he didn’t know they were extremely flammable. He was found not guilty of arson and insurance fraud, but was found guilty of gross negligence and reckless endangerment. He spent 3 years in SSSSS (Saratoga Springs Sacrament Sinners Slammer), a special high security prison near Saratoga Springs, New York for people who don’t treat Sacrament Programs with the requisite respect.

Sacrament Program 2026-02-22

Sun, 22 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Have you ever left your Sacrament Program in your pocket with loose change, and noticed some time later that it had turned pink, or even red? This is a process known as pecuniary roseation and is thought to be a natural defense on the part of the Sacrament Program to avoid mixing the things of Caesar with the things of God. Scientists still don’t understand the mechanisms behind this phenomenon, but it has been noted in stories all around the world. One of the earliest of such stories took place far from the Holy Land.

In the late Han Dynasty, some adventurous Christians (their names cannot be known with any certainty but tradition holds that they were the Saints Anon and Ymous) traveled to China and made Sacrament Programs for an upcoming meeting. The programs were confiscated by local Confucians and thrown in with other contraband seized from more routine smugglers. The Programs were left there for over a week in contact with specie of all different origins. After the sentences had been carried out for the unfortunate saints, two imperial officers, Hong and Bao, took the Sacrament Programs and other valuables as payment (this was standard practice at the time). They noticed the Programs were a deep red color, which they took to be a good omen. They folded the Sacrament Programs into envelopes and put some of the coins inside and then gave the packages to some relatives to whom they owed money. These relatives prospered greatly during the following year and so the story of the lucky red envelopes soon spread. People attributed the luck to the rich, red color of the envelopes (which was indeed very beautiful) rather than the actual source, which was the mystical properties of Sacrament Programs created by martyrs. Soon people all over China were copying the practice.

Sacrament Program 2026-02-15

Sun, 15 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Everyone has heard of the Feast of St. Valentine, but fewer people know the interesting history. It started when a misunderstanding was printed on a Sacrament Program. In the year 496 the ward clerk was preparing the Sacrament Program for a special meeting in which St. Valentine was visiting the local congregation. Instead of “Come Feast upon the words of Christ with St. Valentine” he wrote “Come to the Feast of St. Valentine with the words of Christ”. As with most potlucks in which main and side dishes are not assigned, it ended up all being desserts with pink frosting and candy hearts with little messages. Luckily, St. Valentine (despite his name meaning “healthy”) was a portly man—very fond of honey and other sweets—and so he ate energetically and with effusive praise. That caused several of the women in the congregation to be shot with cupid’s arrow, so to speak, when he praised their cooking. And that started the holiday as we know it.

The Year of the Little, Brown and Company All-You-Can-Read Subscription Service

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Late last year I joined a literature club at work. The first book we read was 1984 by George Orwell. One of the members mentioned that he loved Orwell and was reading everything of his during the year (2025). When New Year’s Resolutions time rolled around, I happened to watch an uncut interview with David Foster Wallace. I really enjoyed the interview, in large part because it was uncut and you could really get a sense of his personality, but also because it touched on a lot of things that I had been thinking about and continue to think about.

And that’s when it hit me. Why not spent some time (I settled on 3 months) during 2026 on different authors? I called them heroes in my mind at first, but I think most of them will actually be “potential heroes” rather than a person I already view as a hero. Partly, because I don’t have a list of people I consider heroes, and partly because I wanted to explore some different things this year. And I’m reticent to pass judgment on their life and whether they lived up to what they wrote and so forth. Anyway, it sounded like a fun idea, and I chose DFW for the first quarter of this year.

“This is Water” is on my (very short) list of things I read/watch/listen to every year. In the past, I enjoyed Consider the Lobster and Other Essays and devoured Infinite Jest (though I didn’t really try to “understand” it). There is a scene early in the book in which you hear a man’s inner dialog on how he is going to quit marijuana, but for real this time. It is the scene in all of literature which I feel best captures my inner monologue, not the marijuana aspect, but all the rationalizations that he/I goes through. Even though he/I knows deep down that they won’t work. But maybe this time they will. So I have some familiarity with David’s work and I respect his prose and enjoy his humor. I won’t be able to read all of his works this quarter — The Pale King alone would likely take me the entire time. But I decided to read as much as I reasonably could.

Therefore, since the beginning of the year, I’ve been reading some of his essays and stories, watching interviews he gave, etc. I listened to Although of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself, and on my pal DFW’s recommendation, I listened to Amusing Ourselves to Death. Impedimentally, I signed up for two books of the quarter at work¹, and listened to yet another book of the quarter² that seemed related to some themes from DFW. Now I’m far behind on Life and Death in Shanghai which is what the literature club is reading at the moment. I don’t think I’ve read this much long-form since high school. I enjoy it. It’s less frenetic and more fulfilling than my normal short-form and headline reading. But less seductive.

And does it count if I mention that I’m watching Sátántangó which feels similar to a book in that you have to slow down and take it in rather than flitting from one scene to the next? Does it still count if I tell you that it’s a very visual movie rather than symbolic/language oriented (I can’t resort to my common trick of listening to the movie rather than watching it)? I would like to read the novel that it’s based on (by Nobel Laureate László Krasznahorkai) but I’m afraid that will have to wait for another quarter.

Well here we are in February, the time that I told myself I would start writing about the author I chose. Then in the third month (March in this case), I’m going to try to emulate my “hero.” I haven’t decided if I’m going to write a David Foster Wallace style essay or short story or both. What I have decided is that I won’t be writing a DFW novel!

So expect a few more posts on what I’ve been thinking about while reading David Foster Wallace (hopefully one a week for four total), and then some banal, epigonic drivel.

I signed up and bought Thinking in Systems before How Query Engines Work was added to the list. ↩︎
Stolen Focus, which incidentally also recommended Amusing Ourselves to Death. ↩︎

Sacrament Program 2026-02-08

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

In the summer of 1899, Sacrament Program Distributors (Saccies as they were called) went on strike demanding fair working conditions, a pay increase, and basic human dignity. They were led by the charismatic duo of Kid Water and Little Boy Bread. Though the strike was long and bloody, it ultimately led to Lorenzo Snow granting the strikers’ demands, despite the financial hardship that the church was experiencing at the time. These events ultimately gave rise to his famous “Windows of Heaven” speech.

Rather than delivering Sacrament Programs to people’s houses in the hot sun, the Saccies were allowed to stay at the doors of the church building and hand them out in the shade of the church awning. Moreover, their pay was doubled from $0/100 programs to $0/50 programs. Perhaps most importantly, in a concession still in effect today, their name was changed from the sterile Sacrament Program Distributors to the more pleasant-sounding Ward Greeter. They also received vouchers for a 10% discount to get into heaven, but that practice was discontinued in the 1980s.

As you read your Sacrament Program, remember all the brave young men and women who fought for the rights we have today!

Sacrament Program 2026-02-01

Sun, 01 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

There comes a time in which every Sacrament Program must leave the comfort and safety of the printer where it was born and venture out into the cold, unforgiving world of the ward members’ hands. There they might be written on and mistreated, or they might be perused with love and appreciation. It’s impossible to know beforehand what vicissitudes await those Sacrament Programs who are brave enough to take the world head-on, but the Sacrament Program which attempts to stay forever in the warm embrace of its mother printer often ends up as a paper jam.

As it is with Sacrament Programs so it is with humans (which are sometimes known as the “Sacrament Programs of the Animal Kingdom”). He who has ears to hear, let him hear. We wish all the best to those SPotAK who are leaving in the near future—may those who scribble on you break their crayons.

Sacrament Program 2026-01-11

Sun, 11 Jan 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Fun Sacrament Program Facts:

#212: Women are 47% more likely to look at a Sacrament Program during Sacrament Meeting, but in the coveted 46–47 demographic, the trend reverses and men use Sacrament Programs 28% more. That’s why the niche genre Sacrament Promance will likely remain a niche genre despite polling well amongst heavy Sacrament Program users.

#314: Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” was inspired by a true story in which a man went crazy after stockpiling Sacrament Programs under his floorboards.

#472: Worldwide, over 17% of Sacrament Programs are printed on gluten free paper.

Sacrament Program 2026-01-04

Sun, 04 Jan 2026 00:00:00 +0000

Around the time of 100 BC an important change took place in ancient Judaism. The style of Sacrament Program changed from 100% natural fibers that were readily available (papyrus, cedars of Lebanon, gopherwood, etc.) to more expensive woods (frankincense and myrrh trees) as well as metals (gold) and synthetic fibers (nylon, rayon, cotton-poly blend). That’s the main reason for the difference in name of the parts of the bible: “Old Testament” referred to the more traditional Covenant (aka Testament) while “New Testament” refers to the newer Covenant. The Sacrament Program was the most common covenant for the peoples of that age and so the change in materials led to the change in name (and lots of strife amongst different factions if we are being honest). As we study the Old Testament this year, make sure to reflect on what the Sacrament Programs would have felt like during that time.

Sacrament Program 2025-12-21

Sun, 21 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

As we approach Christmas this year, let us remember some of the symbols of the season. This year, let’s focus on the Tannenbaum, aka the Christmas Tree. The Christmas Tree originated in Judea, a mere 32 years after the death of Christ. At the time it was made of recycled Sacrament Programs and was used only as a place to hold “Sub For Santa” signups. It was another 147 years before people started to put ornaments on the tree. And it took all the way until 982 a.d. in modern day Norway, before an evergreen tree (there is still scholarly debate over the species) was used to replace the Sacrament Program tree due to a dearth Sacrament Programs in the recently evangelized area. The fresh smell of the tree quickly won over adherents because used Sacrament Programs could be a bit musty, or as the locals said, “stunk of civilization”¹. The rest, as they say, is history.

The translation from Old West Norse is my own. ↩︎

Sacrament Program 2025-12-14

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I hope you’re all looking forward to our festive, limited edition Sacrament Programs, made from sweet smelling evergreen needles. If you hold your phone close to your nose (but not too close—the aroma can be rather strong), close your eyes, and inhale slowly you should be able to smell the electrons which have been sustainably harvested from genuine Utah pine trees. The paper programs were made from fir trees from the Pacific Northwest, and will smelly slightly different. The Zoom meeting still uses Eucalyptus electrons, sorry. Please let church headquarters know which scent you prefer so that next year we can source both of them from the same place.

2025 Christmas Letter

Fri, 12 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

In 2025 we sent out a pdf version since it was something that I only knew how to handle via LaTeX.

Sacrament Program 2025-11-30

Sun, 30 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Saintly Sunday Sale — Up to 90% off selected Sacrament Programs!

Take advantage of our biggest sale of the year! If you’ve been waiting to stock up on sacrament programs, vintage or modern, now is the time! Don’t hesitate, the sale is one day only! Take a look at these deals:

The April 29, 1979 program for the Tempe Arizona Young Single Adult ward is 87% off for the low, low price of $2.34!

Even our special June 11, 1978 Salt Lake 78th ward Collector’s Edition is discounted by $1.78 to $438,794.15!

Sacrament Program 2025-11-23

Sun, 23 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

It’s autumn, and therefore time for a delicious Sacrament Program Cider. First gather 1 pound of dried Sacrament Programs. Cut off any damaged or diseased parts. Soak them in water overnight and then crumple them into loose balls. Place them in a cider press and squeeze as tightly as possible. Let them sit at full squeeze until liquid quits flowing. Collect the resulting cider which should be a deep, rich, red color. The cider will keep in the refrigerator for up to 20 minutes, or can last multiple hours if frozen. Unused cider should be taken to your bishopric for proper disposal.

Sacrament Program 2025-11-16

Sun, 16 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Sacrament Programs were some of the very first things printed with lithography, a process using a specially prepared stone (rather than metal type) to print a book or pamphlet. The quality is better than metal type and can also be more efficient. It’s rumored that the Sacrament Programs for the Salt Lake 777-th ward (the ward the apostles attend) are, to this day, printed using pieces of the original tablets Moses received on the mountain. The ones that Moses destroyed, not the lesser 10 commandments we have in our bibles. This process of printing Sacrament Programs is a sacred ordinance known as the baptism by earth. Many presume that the baptism by air is what Joseph Smith alluded to with “he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God,” given that the baptisms of water and fire (and later earth) had already been revealed.

Sacrament Program 2025-11-09

Sun, 09 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Though fried dough dates back to at least the Roman empire, the doughnut we know today (with a hole in the center) was invented by Hanson Gregory in 1847. He was making doughnuts for a break-the-fast celebration when he noticed some oil splatter on the Sacrament Program that he had on the table. It had spattered in the shape of an “O” surrounding and drawing attention to the sacrament hymn. That made him think of putting a hole in the middle of the doughnut to prevent a doughy center. His doughnuts quickly became popular at break-the-fast celebrations, due in part to being inspired by Sacrament Programs. It took a little while to break into the secular market, but the truth and power of Sacrament Programs will always win in the end.

Sacrament Program 2025-11-02

Sun, 02 Nov 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Sacrament Slang Origins #87:

The slang phrase 6–7 comes from an infamous incident of an altercation between Hezekiah Archibald Shumaker Jones III and Joseph Smith Jr. in Nauvoo. Joseph had a Sacrament Program printed up with an announcement for Hezekiah’s upcoming marriage on June 7, 1844. However, he printed the date incorrectly as 7/6/1844. When Hezekiah saw Joseph in the street he pointed out the mistake and said he was starting to wonder whether Joseph was really a prophet. Joseph, known to be a bit stubborn, refused to apologize to Hezekiah’s satisfaction. Hezekiah started yelling “6/7! 6/7!” in reference to the correct date and Joseph would reply “6 7” and do a little weighing motion with his hands as if to say there wasn’t that much difference. This motion and lack of concern so inflamed Hezekiah that he formed a group of men who walked around yelling “6/7!” while Joseph’s supporters retaliated by saying “6 7” in a certain singsong way with the accompanying motions.

Many scholars have speculated that this incident is responsible for the date of Joseph’s martyrdom and maybe even the martyrdom itself. We don’t have any hard evidence of this, but Hezekiah was a leader of the mob and some people wrote in their journals that they heard him yelling “6 (twenty) 7” (with the twenty said under his breath as it were) as he marched toward Carthage Jail. It is interesting to think what might have happened differently if Joseph had known how to use “6/7” correctly. Perhaps he would still be with us today.